The Insanity Files
by AlmightyIshboo
Summary: Just a bunch of short stories written while I'm either, A: Sleep deprived, or B: On a sugar high. Those who are too easily weirded out should probably not read this for fear I might be sent to the looney house again...it's a scary place that...
1. The Finding of Boromir

**                                                        The Finding of Boromir: Denethor's final undoing**

Denethor stood alongside a river, humming to himself happily. Life was good. Boromir was off on some quest to save the world and Faramir was being his normal, useless self. Denethor blinked as he saw a boat, of elven craft from the looks of it, floating merrily in the river. As he spotted no one inside the boat, Denethor decided to go take a look for himself. Ever hear about that saying that, 'Curiosity killed the cat'? Well...translated into Steward of Gondor form it's, 'Curiosity killed his sanity'. For there, laying in the boat, was the bloody, battered form of Boromir. Denethor stumbled back and squealed like a crazed fan girl would when Legolas was spotted nearby.

A ways away, Faramir stood surveying Osgilioth. Everything was quiet for the moment, a welcome break. Sauron, Faramir was sure, was up to no good and would no doubt launch a full-scale attack upon Minas Tirith. Despite his and many of his men's warnings to Denethor, the Steward refused to believe his son and trusted men. '_Hmph. If Boromir were here, he'd knock some sense into father._' Faramir thought sullenly, crossing his arms in front of his chest and puffing his lower lip out. Suddenly, a keening scream echoed across the area. "Was that a woman?" one of his men asked incredulously, glancing around to see if he could spot said woman. One of his friends smacked him companionably on his shoulder and said, "You wish. Don't you know that scream? That's a scream that you only hear when fan girls realize Legolas is nearby and unarmed. You hear it a lot around Mirkwood I hear...". Faramir's eyes narrowed in speculation. That was no woman nor fan girl scream. No, that scream belonged none other than his father, the Steward of Gondor.

Denethor continued to scream, his face turning blue from loss of air. Over his high-pitched screeches he heard someone yelling, "BREATHE DAD BREATHE!!!" Denethor struggled to breath, thinking somehow Boromir had come back to life or it was just a cruel prank someone had played. When Denethor's vision returned to normal (he had been getting a little dizzy and was seeing random things like polka-dotted lemmings running all around) he looked into the concerned face of...his worthless son Faramir. Denethor's eye twitched and he pushed his younger son away from him. "Get away! I'm having a crisis here!" Faramir stumbled backwards, managed to catch himself before he fell and looked at his father quizzically. "What? Did you get another subscription to _Old People's Magazine_ again?" Denethor glared daggers at his son and yelled, "NO!!! GO AWAY!!! JUST GO STAND SOMEWHERE!!!" Faramir blinked and shifted from foot to foot, looking rather nervous and confused. Denethor slapped himself in the face and yelled at the top of his lungs, "GO STAND SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY FROM ME YOU IDIOT!!!" Faramir blinked, very hurt inside, and walked away dejectedly.

Denethor glared after his son's retreating form then turned slowly towards the boat that bore his son's body. He began to walk towards it, intending on carrying the body back to the city himself when a low moan emitted from the boat. As Denethor watched on in horror, Boromir sat up, stretching and looking groggily around. "Dang. That's the LAST time I take Valium and Trazadone before a battle." Boromir muttered to himself as he rubbed his eyes.


	2. Fighting Boredom

**How to fight boredom: Hobbit style!**

Peregrin Took sighed to himself. He was bored. He was very very bored. The only other time he had been this bored was when he and Merry were forced to wash dishes at Bilbo's 111th birthday party as punishment for their....borrowing that one firecracker. Pippin sighed again, staring out into the distance. Part of the reason he had joined the Fellowship was that whenever he heard stories of heroes going off to save the world from one gigantic evil or another, they only told about exciting parts. They never mentioned the boring parts, which took up a LOT more time than the exciting parts. So here he sat, about to die of boredom and save the Enemy the trouble of having to kill him off. Not that he mattered much anyway, in the big scheme of things.

Presently he was joined by Frodo, Sam, and Merry, who were all equally bored. "Damn it," Merry muttered, "something happen all ready! I'd even welcome a Black Rider showing up at this point!!!" Frodo looked at Merry like he was insane and played nervously with the Ring hanging around his neck, obviously hoping the whole, "Speak the devil's name and he will come," phrase was just that, a phrase. Sam glowered at Merry who was completely oblivious to the fact. They all watched as Legolas gathered up several towels and some new clothes and skipped off towards the direction of the stream humming, "I'm Singing in the Rain." As one they looked at each other, wild grins growing on each of their faces. Pippin held up a small box of baby powder and they all erupted into fits of laughter.

Aragorn stared at the Hobbits as they all tip-toed over to Legolas' hair dryer, which the Elf had left lying on a rock for when he returned from his hourly wash. Realization dawned on him as he saw the box of baby powder clutched firmly in Pippin's hand. He grinned to himself and pointedly looked away anxious for the Elf to return from his wash.

The Hobbits all scattered as they finished pouring the baby powder into the back of Legolas' hair dryer, Merry and Pippin practicing melee fighting with Boromir while Frodo talked to Gandalf and Sam talked to a blueberry bush. Everyone became silent as Legolas approached, each individual knowing what was about to happen. Legolas stared at them all and asked, "Umm...what's going on?" Everyone shouted random things such as, "Nothing!" "Not a thing!" "What he said!" and "WE'RE NOT ACTING SUSPICIOUS!!!". Everyone stared at Merry who was the source of the last outburst. Merry grinned sheepishly and said, "Sorry."

Legolas shrugged and said, "Whatever. You guys are weird." And with that, he picked up his hair dryer. He hummed to himself as he pointed it at his face and began to move the switch towards, "HIGH POWER". The Hobbits all began to inch further and further away from Legolas, getting ready to run like the dickens. The hair dryer turned on and Legolas was immediately engulfed in the baby powder that came out. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HELP!!!! SAURON INVADED MY HAIR DRYER AND JUMPED OUT AND ATTACKED MEEEEEEEE!!!!" Legolas yelled, clawing at his eyes. "MAKE HIM STOP HURTING MY EYES!!! MAKE HIM STOP!!!!" Legolas continued, beginning to sob uncontrollably. Everyone erupted into laughter, Gimli held up a cam-quarter. "'Middle-Earth's Funniest Home Videos' here I come!" he remarked, wiping tears away from his eyes.

By this time Legolas realized it wasn't Sauron who was attacking him, but harmless baby powder. He immediately knew the culprits of this prank. "MERRY!!!! PIPPIN!!! FRODO!!!! SAM!!!!!" he yelled, snatching up his bow and four arrows as he stomped towards them. Their eyes bulged and they ran off, screaming, "RUN RUN!!! POSTAL ELF ON THE LOOSE!!!" Legolas gave chase, hollering and yelling all the while.


	3. Sauron's Ultimate Weapon Part 1

**Sauron's Ultimate Weapon: Part 1**

Aragorn leaned up against a tree and sighed contentedly. Today had been a good day. Frodo hadn't put himself in imminent danger; Pippin had been drugged and therefore couldn't do anything excessively idiotic; Merry and Sam had annoyed each other and left everyone else alone; Boromir had mostly talked to himself so he left everyone else alone, expect for a few dark glares in Frodo's direction; and Legolas had gotten himself lost somewhere, 30 or so miles back, so Aragorn didn't have to endure the Elf's attempts to shave the Ranger's beard and pour twenty bottles of Suave shampoo and conditioner on his hair. Aragorn scowled, Legolas could be a royal (literally) pain sometimes.

Aragorn shook his head quickly, trying to shake all thoughts of the vain Elf from his mind. "Oooooooh ARAGOOOOOORN!!!" someone shouted. Aragorn tensed up and muttered, "Oh…crap….he's found his way back…." and hid behind the tree. Legolas trotted up a second later, blinked confusedly as he saw Aragorn wasn't there and cupped his (French manicured) hand up to his chin in thought. "Hmmm…" the Elf thought aloud, "he couldn't of run away…I would still be able to see him…he certainly couldn't of climbed that tree 'cause he'd make a lot of noise doing so…SO HE MUST HAVE STOLEN THE RING AND PUT IT ON TO ESCAPE ME!!!! AHHHHH IT'S ISILDUIR ALL OVER AGAIN!!! STUPID IDIOTIC HUMANS!!! ALFDSJHLASJDGLASJDGDLSKGJADLD!!!!" Legolas then ran off, screeching at the top of his lungs.

Aragorn blinked as he attempted to figure out how one would spell, no less pronounce, what Legolas had screeched out last. The Ranger shrugged and resumed leaning up against the tree. Unfortunately for him, yet another voice interrupted his thoughts, this one far more sinister sounding. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaragorn…" the voice whispered. It then went on repeating his name, as if expecting the Dunadain to reply. Aragorn sighed and said, "What is it now Sauron?" A miniature of Sauron's Eye appeared hovering in front of the Ranger. "Poo. How did you know it was me?" The Eye inquired, looking utterly confused (which is a great accomplishment considering it IS just an eye…).

Aragorn just stared at Sauron wondering how such an absent-minded…THING could be capable of taking over Middle-Earth. It didn't make sense really. Also added to the fact Sauron just kind of hovered over his tower, occasionally blinking threateningly at anyone who dared defy him and also annoying everyone he could by telling them the same old stories over again such as, "This one time, at band camp, the Balrog ate all the cake, and then he threw up!". Needless to say, Sauron was more of a pest than an intimidating figure.

The Eye seemed to bounce up and down in excitement, "Guess what guess what guess what!?!?!" the "ultimate" evil shouted. Aragorn sighed and asked grudgingly, "What?". Sauron stopped bouncing up and down, drew himself up (once again, a hard feat for an eye) and proclaimed loudly, "I HAVE COME UP WITH AN ULTIMATE WEAPON TO FINALLY CRUSH YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC FELLOWSHIP!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" The Eye continued to laugh for several more minutes until he got bored and stared at Aragorn expectantly, waiting for the Ranger to ask what this weapon was. Aragorn sighed again and asked, "What is this ultimate weapon? Your mother-in-law?" Sauron sputtered and floated back a few feet. The Eye turned even more red (if that's at all possible) from embarrassment and shouted, "NO!!! I'M NOT EVEN MARRIED!!!" Aragorn smirked and remarked, "I can't say I'm not surprised. What is the weapon then?"

Now that things seemed to be back on track, Sauron cackled evilly before shouting, "MARY SUES!!!!" Aragorn looked at Sauron confusedly, "…Say again?" Sauron blinked and said slowly, as if speaking to a dumb child, "…Mary Sues…you know…the characters that are in stories little preppy fan girls write where their character is uberly-powerful and they usually hook up with one of the more popular characters at the end of the story…or they die a rather heroic death. It's all rather droll actually, but also the perfect weapon!" Aragorn began scratching the back of his neck, still rather confused about the idea of these "Mary Sues" and said, "Yes well that's great. You go ahead and unleash this weapon. Fifty gold pieces says we'll still win though." Sauron huffed and said, "I'll take that bet and raise it to FIFTY THOUSAND GOLD PIECES!!!" Aragorn nodded slightly and said waving his hand, "You do that. Bring it on then." Sauron cackled and said, "Very well!" then winked out of sight.

"_Oooookaaaay…_" Aragorn thought to himself as he waited for something to happen. After a couple of minutes, nothing happened and Aragorn chuckled to himself. "_So much for this ultimate weapon._" He thought to himself. Just then however, he heard a high-pitched scream followed by someone shouting, "OMG!!! IT'Z AERYGURN!!!!!" Aragorn blinked confusedly and let out an 'OOF!' as he was tackled. On his descent, his head smacked up against the tree. As Aragorn watched little birdy's fly around his head, he dimly heard the same person's voice saying, "OMG OMG OMG! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! THE CREEPY EYE GUY ACTUALLY TOLD THE TRUTH!!!". The Ranger felt himself being bound by ropes and suddenly he realized that this must be…the Mary Sue.

Legolas ran on, still screeching his head off about the idiocy of Men, thievery, and death and destruction when he heard what sounded like a heard of buffalo running behind him. The Elf blinked, stopped, and turned around to see who or what was following him. He let out a frightened yelp when he saw what looked like fifty teenagers charging at him, all of them screaming, "LEEGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Legolas' eyes widened in shock and he yelled, "AAHHHHHH MARY SUES!!!!!!" before running for his very life. Either Mary Sues have more brains then we give them credit for, or it was just a stroke of luck, for up ahead were twenty more Mary Sues, all standing ready to stop Legolas before he got away.

Legolas shrieked and attempted to slow down and run in a different direction, but he was running too fast. He barreled into the twenty-some Mary Sues and was immediately engulfed, and captured as well.

Gimli sat smoking on his pipe and humming an old Dwarven song. He blinked in confusion as he saw approximately seven hundred teenagers carrying Legolas, Aragorn, Pippin, Frodo, Merry, Boromir, and Sam off. The Dwarf sat back and frowned in speculation. "_What in the heck is going on here?_" he thought to himself as he watched the girls disappear into the distance, along with his companions. Gimli shrugged, and returned to his pipe. As long as this didn't happen to him, he didn't much care right now. He'd go and rescue them later…if they needed rescuing.

Gimli yelped as a bright light surrounded the area. Thinking quick, he jumped behind a boulder and peered over cautiously, watching as the light concentrated in one area to begin to form what looked like a human shape. Sure enough, as the light solidified and cleared away entirely, there sat a teenage girl with brownish red hair who was holding a peculiarly shaped black object in her hands. A cord was connected to this object and it extended out, resting on the floor. The girl's eyes widened in disbelief and she screamed so sharply the Dwarf had to cover his ears to block it out. "WHAT THE $#&$?!?!?!?! I WAS ABOUT TO BEAT THAT !$#&! LUTHER INTO THE GROUND!!!!! NOBODY DEFEATS ALBEL, FAYT, AND THE SACRIFICAL DUMMY!!! NOOOOOOBOOOODY!!!!!!"(A/N: Yes I'm talking about Star Ocean: Till the End of Time here…and "Sacrificial Dummy" is the name I gave to one of the characters, Cliff, who was pretty much a distraction to my enemies while my other characters beat the living crap out of them).

She stood up and flung the object onto the ground, looking around with an expression that clearly stated she'd like to find whoever deprived her of her victory and destroy him or her. Her eyes settled on the terrified Dwarf and she blinked, "Oh…it's Gimli from Lord of the Rings…fancy that." She muttered, which made Gimli wonder about her sanity. "Uhhh…" the Dwarf muttered, "What's going on?" The teenager snorted and said, "I'd like to know the answer to that question too. Stupid Valar or whatever ya call them. Randomly warp me to a stupid land and say the random "YOU MUST SAVE MIDDLE-EARTH FROM CERTAIN DOOM!!!" speech and leave me clueless as to what I'm supposed to DO to save the stupid place. They could've at LEAST warped my PS2 here along with my TV…only…there's no electricity here is there?"

Gimli, by this time, was beginning to back away very slowly, hoping the crazed teenager wouldn't notice him. "JUST A DARN #!! MINUTE YOU!!! STAY WHERE YOU ARE!!!" she shouted. "_Ahhh crap._" Gimli thought, but he obeyed her command. She looked about ready to yell at the Dwarf when she suddenly cocked her head to a side and looked up at the sky. Her eyes widened in horror and she stuttered, "MARY SUES?!?! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH NO YOU CAN GET YOURSELF ANOTHER "HERO"! I'M NOT GOING NOWHERE NEAR THOSE BLASTED IDIOTS!!!!" She paused as if listening and shook her head, "Nononononononononono! Absolutely not! I may be human, but I'm no idiot. Do you have any idea how powerful those Mary Sues are?! They could take on Sauron alone if they had the brains to figure that out! Not no way, not no how I'm going up against them. I'd be killed in an instant! I'm not quite ready to die yet. So forget it and send me home." She then sat down on a boulder and sulked, obviously waiting to be taken back to her home. When nothing happened she leapt up from the boulder, waved her fist into the air and shouted, "DON'T YOU START TALKING TO ME ABOUT DESTINY!! YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO COME UP WITH AN EXCUSE FOR ME HAVING TO STAY HERE AND YOU KNOW IT!!!" Gimli blinked worriedly as he saw a triumphant smile cross the teenager's face. "Damn straight I can tell when you idiots are just saying things to make me feel special so I charge off on a suicidal mission. I can't go off against the Mary Sues when I'm powerless. And you certainly can't intervene with all those mystical godly rules about not interfering in mortal's affairs. So unless you have a non-suicidal plan to either get me more power temporarily or you have a non-suicidal plan on how to take down all seven hundred Mary Sues without any powers, I suggest you start taking me back to my home so I can kick Luther's sorry butt."

She pursed her lips, nodding slightly as she did so. "Hmmm…I supooooose I could try that…but if I die…you stay away from my funeral." Saying this, she turned towards Gimli, acting as if having conversations with gods was an everyday, normal thing. "Come on shorty, we're heading towards Isengard." She said cheerfully, walking off in what she thought was the right direction. Gimli cleared his throat nervously and said, "Ummm…Isengard is that way…" He then pointed in the opposite direction the teenager was walking. She blinked, stared at him, and started walking in the direction the Dwarf was pointing in, muttering something about how she knew it was that way all along and that she was just testing him. The Dwarf watched her retreating form, looked up at the skies and asked, "Do I really have to follow her?"

A lightning bolt striking the ground next to him answered his questions and he charged off towards the teenager, adjusting his pace to hers. "Well you seem to know my name human…what's yours?" Gimli inquired, trying to sound cheerful. The teenager shot him a suspicious glance then muttered, "Katrina. You'd better get used to my company because it looks like we might be stuck together until this crisis is solved. By the way, have you ever heard of Halo? It's a pretty fun game. You see, in it, you're this character called the Master Chief. You go around shooting up aliens and blowing up stuff. Eventually you meet up with these weird deformed creatures called "The Flood" and there's these annoying little ones I like to call "Popcorn" that just jump around and try to jump onto you and suck out your innards and stuff. Well…that's not what they really do but oh well…anyway so after you meet the Flood you…" She continued rambling on, until she covered the entire plot of the game. She then continued on to tell the horrified Dwarf about Halo 2. Gimli moaned and held his head in his hands. This was going to be a very long hike to Isengard indeed.


	4. Sauron's Ultimate Weapon Part 2

Sadness and sorrow. No one reviewed my last chapter…oh well. Here's the next chapter then….

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**Sauron's Ultimate Weapon: Part 2**

Gimli stared at the girl called Katrina as she bobbed her head up and down. Earlier she had muttered something about how she was glad she had her 'CD player' or whatever it was and then put what she called 'headphones' over her head. Since that time Gimli had heard sounds emitting from her direction. The sound abruptly stopped and Katrina's eyes widened in horror. "DEAR GOD NO! NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO DISTRACT ME FROM THE PAIN IN MY #!#!#!#!#! FEET! GAH THEY JUST **HAD **TO MAKE IT DIFFICULT FOR ME DIDN'T THEY!" she shouted. She then whipped of the headphones, glared at the CD player and poked the center of it viciously. "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU I SAY!" she shouted at the inanimate object.

Just as Gimli was about to say something to the hysterical teenager, he heard maniacal laughter echoing around them. "…What in the?" Gimli muttered. A few seconds afterwards, a miniature of Sauron's Eye poofed into existence in front of them. "BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE!" it shouted menacingly.

Both Gimli and Katrina stared at the Eye in confusion. "NEAT! IT'S SAURON! Hey you're gonna die you know that?" Katrina said cheerfully. The Eye stared at her in confusion and said, "What?" Katrina quickly covered her mouth and said, "Ooops. Forgot I can't tell anyone what will happen...can you do me a favor and forget what I just said Sauron and Gimli ol' buddies ol' pals?" The Eye stared at her blinking slowly. Finally he said cheerfully, "Done! Forgot it!". Gimli crossed his arms in front of his chest and muttered, "Absolutely not. I won't forget a damn thing."

"Come on…pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssseeeeeeeeee?" Katrina asked, pulling a sad puppy dog face. "Yeah! Be nice for once you crusty old Dwarf!" Sauron said, backing Katrina up. Gimli growled and shook his head, refusing to answer either of these bumbling idiots. "Gimliiiiiii….I really think you should forget what I saaaaaaiiiiiiid….." he heard Katrina say in a sing-song voice. "NO!" He shouted.

"I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaarned yooooooooooooooooooou." Katrina said as she grabbed a rock and hit Gimli over the head, knocking him senseless. Sauron blinked and backed away from Katrina slowly as Gimli sat up dazedly. "Whaaaaaa? What happened?" he asked confusedly. "Oh one of those giant eagles flew by and…well…ummm you were in its direct line of fire and…anyway…do you remember what I told you a little while ago?" Katrina quickly lied then asked. Gimli shook his head and Katrina shouted, "GREAT!" she then turned to Sauron and asked, "Did you want something?"

The Eye blinked then said, "OH! Yeah! I wanted to offer you a deal!" Katrina blinked and asked, "What kind of deal?" Sauron bobbed up and down, saying, "Well I know you've been brought here by the Valar to defeat the Mary Sues I unleashed and I wanted to offer you everything you want along with a return trip to your home if you don't try and get rid of the Mary Sues!" Gimli's eyes widened and he stared over at Katrina, hoping she would refuse this deal. Katrina crossed her arms in front of her chest and said, "…Naaaaaaaaaaaah, if I got everything I ever wanted, I'd have to explain how I got them which would be hard to do for most of the stuff. It's just too troublesome." Sauron drew back, obviously he had expected her to agree with him. "I'll have you know that you'll have to pass through MORDOR to get to the Mary Sues so it'd be suicide! You should reconsider!"

At this point Katrina burst into laughter. "You idiot! You obviously don't know Mary Sues very well. One tower in Middle-Earth is the same as the other to them. My guess is they are headed towards Isengard thinking they are headed towards Bara-dur. So we really won't have to go through Mordor in any case. And I'll tell you now, if you send any of those Ringwraiths or Black Riders or the Nine or WHATEVER OTHER NAMES THEY ARE CALLED after us, I'll have to TORCH them with my flamethrower!" Sauron scowled and yelled, "FINE! HAVE IT YOUR WAY! MEANY!"

The Mini Eye then disappeared leaving a confused Gimli and a smug Katrina. "What's a flamethrower?" Gimli asked. "Oh it's a device that shoots flames out in a conflagration of joy…and…well let's just hope we really DON'T run across any Ringwraiths…" Katrina replied. Gimli blinked and asked, "Why's that?" Katrina looked at him, shrugged and said, "I really don't have a flamethrower…wish I had one though…" Gimli stared at her, shrugged and continued walking, Katrina following close behind.

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"I'm tired. My legs hurt. It's dark. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty too. I'm also getting REALLY ANNOYED THAT WE AREN'T STOPPING TO MAKE CAMP!" Katrina stated, flopping onto the ground. "I'm not moving a nanometer further. I need sleep." She continued, glaring up at Gimli. The Dwarf sighed and said, "We only need to go a few more miles and then we'll reach Isengard. You won't die if you walk a few more miles." Katrina glared up at Gimli and said, "Listen Dwarfy. The most exercise I normally get is walking around my god-forsaken high school every weekday. I don't spend my days WALKING THOUSANDS OF MILES EACH DAY!" Gimli blinked and replied, "We've only walked about fifty miles…"

Katrina just glared at Gimli, refusing to answer him. Gimli growled in frustration and said, "Look here. The sooner we get to Isengard and sort out this mess, the sooner you can go back and beat that Luther person or whatever. All right!". Katrina blinked and cupped her chin in her hand, as if that thought had not occurred to her. "Fine fine. Let's get going then." She muttered finally as she stood up. Gimli rolled his eyes and began walking once again, Katrina hobbling after him.

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(Thus endeth the chapter…eth. I'm gonna wait and see if anyone reviews for this chapter. If they don't, I'll cry. And be depressed…and stuff.)


	5. Sauron's Ultimate Weapon Part 3

Hooray! People reviewed! I feel special now!

Replies to Reviewers!

Yavieriel Tarandir- That's a fun name. I must congratulate you on it. Anyway, thank ya for taking the time to review this story. I think that out of all my stories, this is by far the most insane one. Insanity is good for the soul though, don't you agree? Oh and the Mary Sue portal is ten miles past Greenland, turn left at the abnormally large rock jutting out from the water, keep going until you encounter the Mongolian Whale of Death (Bwahahahahaha I draw this fella everyday at school…he's my own creation…he constantly eats Florida…dunno why) eating a random island at which point you will ask him whether or not chickens fly. He should reply "Periwinkle.". You will then be surrounded by yellowish greenish lights and have to watch to The Phantom of the Opera. Afterwards you should arrive in Middle-Earth. If you mock The Phantom of the Opera however, you will be stuck forever in a parallel dimension where you will be surrounded by the winged monkeys from The Wizard of Oz only this time they're salespeople and they'll never leave you alone…so in short, do not mock the Phantom. Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha

Artemis1860- Ahhhh yes….The Matrix Has You was a wonderful wonderful flash thingy (if that's what you were referring to with the heh heh BURN BURN!). I have an unhealthy obsession with flash movies and games…oh well whatever keeps me happy I guess. ((dances around to "Masquerade" which is a song from The Phantom of the Opera)) I love this song…I have an unhealthy obsession with The Phantom of the Opera too….God I love that movie…if you haven't seen it, GO SEE IT DARN YOU! GRRRRRR GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR LADJLAKJDSLKGMASDVLKJASDLKGJASDGLAJL!...ok I'm done now. ((trots off to read her Samurai Deeper Kyo manga)) Lalalalalalalalalalalalala!

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**Sauron's Ultimate Weapon: Part 3**

"FOR GOODNESS SAKE! GO AWAY ALL READY! THIS IS ISENGARD! ISENGARD!" shouted Saruman of Many Colors…or Saruman the White…honestly why couldn't he choose one name and stick with it? I mean being called both of Many Colors and the White is kind of confusing…anyway…

"But there's those ugly green things running around here! Isn't there ugly green things in Mongolia?" one of the many Mary Sues camping at the base of Saruman's tower asked. Saruman blinked confusedly. "Mongolia? What in the heck is a Mongolia?" he pondered to himself. "Mongolia? It's an Asian country by China. It's also by Japan, the god country of anime, manga, and other random things. I think they meant Mordor in any case." a rather tired and annoyed voice remarked behind him.

Saruman cursed and turned around quickly to see a Dwarf and a young woman standing behind him, the woman wearing an expression that clearly stated she would maim and/or destroy anyone who dared to annoy her further than she was all ready annoyed. "What do you want! And how did you get up here!" Saruman asked in a bewildered manner. The Dwarf seemed about to say something but was quickly cut off by the girl, who said, "We came in through the front door of your tower, Shorty and I scared away any orcs that came close, then we walked up stairs…lots of stairs…honestly does your tower have to be THIS tall! I mean, a two story tower would be just fine with me but noooooooooooooo it has to be over two stories! Gah…"

Saruman blinked then asked slowly, "How exactly did you scare the orcs? You two don't seem that formidable enough to scare away all the orc sentries I had…" Once again the Dwarf seemed to want to reply but once again the girl cut him off, "Oh I found a packet of batteries for my CD player and I put them in and began blaring my music. They ran away from me screaming bloody murder…is it MY fault they don't like show tunes?...in fact…Shorty here almost had a heart attack when he heard my music…do people hate show tunes that much?" The young woman sighed dejectedly and sat on the floor, obviously pouting. Saruman arched an eyebrow, coughed lightly and began to ask why exactly these two were up on his tower when the girl screamed a bloodcurdling scream.

"WHAT!" both Dwarf and Wizard shouted at the same time. "A moth. I hate moths…I squished it though. Hah serves the little bug right…muahahahahahahahahahahaha." The young woman said, grinning evilly to herself as she regarded the squished insect with twisted pleasure.

By now Saruman was really beginning to doubt the sanity of the woman. He pressed his hand up against his forehead in frustration. If he hadn't exhausted himself by attacking those stupid Mary Sues in an attempt to drive them off, the two who were on the tower with him would be very dead from the time they set foot on top of his tower. The girl seemed to notice his growing rage as she smacked him on the shoulder companionably and said, "Awww buck up Saruman! I have a solution to your pest problem!" The Wizards eyes practically bulged out of their sockets when he heard this. He whirled around and grabbed the teenager by her shoulders and shook her viciously. "WHAT. DO. I. DO. GIRL?" He asked, shaking her after each word. The girl scowled and said, "This "Girl" has a name. If you want me to help, call me by it. Oh and let me go before I harm you."

Saruman glared at her suspiciously as he released the girl. She returned his glare with an equally hostile one as she massaged her shoulders each in turn. "Hmph. Anyway, my name's Katrina. Shorty over there is called Gimli. We can and will get rid of these Mary Sues for you, but there are conditions you need to follow through on."

"What are these conditions?" Saruman asked, his suspicion rising. Katrina blinked and said, "Only that during and after our extermination process, you don't interfere in any way shape or form. If you do, I will tell the remaining Mary Sues that you have Johnny Depp locked up in your tower." The last part was said threateningly, so Saruman decided that he would follow through on these conditions. He grumbled something along the lines of a reply and waved his hand towards the exit. The two got the message obviously as they both walked towards it, Katrina dragging her feet and sulking as they did so. Saruman watched them go, wondering how on Middle-Earth these two were going to rid him of the Mary Sues.

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"This…sucks…when I get home I'm never climbing another staircase again." Katrina solemnly swore as they descended the stairs. Gimli looked over at her and rolled his eyes. The sooner he got rid of her, the better. He blinked confusedly as he heard Katrina let out a guttural growl. "You just gave me the "the sooner I get rid of her, the better" look. Well listen here Tubby, I'm no more happy about being with you than you are being with me. So just deal until we can part ways forever." Gimli glared at her and muttered, "Yes but I'm afraid I will be scarred for life because of my encounter with a crazy girl."

The Dwarfs eyes widened in confusion as he felt his helmet snatched off of his head. As he looked over at Katrina quizzically he felt something smack down on his head, rather hard too. He heard Katrina's maniacal laughter followed by, "That was worth all forty dollars it cost for me to buy this thing." As Gimli's vision cleared, he saw Katrina holding her now shattered CD player in her hands. He snarled in anger and leapt at her.

Katrina shrieked as Gimli barreled towards her. "DIVE DIVE DIVE!" she shouted as she threw herself onto the ground. Gimli went sailing past her, only to hit the wall with a loud **BANG**. "…ohhhhh crap." Katrina remarked quietly as she jumped to her feet and ran down the stairs, Gimli in hot pursuit. As she ran outside, several of the Mary Sues noticed Katrina's peril. "HEY YOU UGLY THING! LEAVE HER ALONE!" they all shouted as they blasted Gimli with several random destructive spells. Katrina whirled around to see what the huge explosion was and saw Gimli, now a Dwarven pile of ashes. "Ummm….it wasn't my fault. Honestly." Katrina said, glancing skyward.

"Are you all right!" one Mary Sue asked Katrina. "Don't worry about that ugly monster, he won't bother you anymore!" another added. Katrina blinked and said, "Actually…could you guys bring him back to life? We were…umm…playing tag…and…yeah…I'd appreciate it if you'd make it so he wasn't a pile of ashes anymore…" The Mary Sues all blinked slowly, processing this information at their rather slow pace. Several minutes later they all nodded and said, "KAY! Sorry for killing your friend! We'll bring him back now!"

They all turned towards the pile of ashes and each cast their respective resurrection spells. The ashes twirled upwards, coming together to form a shape. The shape solidified and standing there was…Gimli the Elf. "WHAT THE #!#!#!#!#!#!#?" Gilmi roared in anger. Katrina fell on the ground laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LITTLE FAIRY BOY GIMLI! THIS IS GREAT!" Gimli and the Mary Sues failed to see what was so hilarious about the current situation. "What's wrong? He's HOTT now!" one of the Mary Sues remarked confusedly. Gimli looked about ready to kill Katrina, the Sues, and himself all in a furious rage when Katrina sat up and wiped away tears from her eyes. "Sorry sorry, I was just overjoyed by his…new hott self that I couldn't help but laugh…Gimli dear put that axe away, killing people aren't going to improve your situation any." Gimli glared daggers at Katrina but did as he was bid, mumbling and grumbling to himself as he did. He blinked as he felt his axe begin to change and form into a bow. "#!#!#!#!#!#!#!#!" he shrieked.

Katrina snorted, trying to prevent herself from laughing as she turned to the Mary Sues. "Hey you think you could gather everyone else? I got a message that EVERYONE should hear…" they blinked, nodded cheerfully and trotted off to gather everyone. Katrina turned back towards Gimli to find he was staring at his new bow, devoid of all emotion. "Oy, Fairy Boy, are you all right?" Katrina asked offhandedly.

The look he gave her would depress the most cheerful person. This, of course, had no affect on Katrina whatsoever. "Calm down. I bet if you ask the Valar reeeeaaaalllly nicely, they'll change you back into a Dwarf…or if you want I could ask for you…I suppose…I guess…ahhhhh fine just shut up and hold on." Katrina said, shutting her eyes abruptly. A few seconds later she opened them. "Good news Fairy Boy, they say they'll change you back after we succeed in our mission. Fun huh?" Gimli didn't reply, he just stared at Katrina dejectedly. "My beard." He finally said depressingly. Katrina blinked and cocked her head to a side, "Eh? Say what?"

"My beard…it's gone…" he continued mournfully. Katrina looked at him oddly before shrugging. "Whatever. Now if you'll excuse me, I should talk to the Mary Sues. Just stand there and look…pretty…hehehehehehe." She said, turning towards the approaching sea of Mary Sues. Katrina wasn't surprised to see that most of the Sues were Elves, Sues seemed to have an Elf fetish. She shrugged as she cleared her throat. "All righty people, I gathered you all here to point out a problem you have. First, a few questions, how many people here…luv Leggy?" Katrina winced as she said the last part, she HATED speaking Sue.

She wasn't surprised again when more than half the Sues raised their hands, shrieking their heads off as they did so. Katrina went off to list all the other imprisoned Fellowship members, each time becoming slowly deaf by the din the Sues created. After several hundred Sues stopped shrieking about Boromir, Katrina stood taller and said, "Well there's your problem. There's lots of you, but only one of them." A huge gasp arose from the gathered Sues as they realized what Katrina said was true. Several of them began glaring at each other, shouting such things as, "ARRYGURN LUVS M3!" and "PIPPY IZ MYNE!".

Katrina smirked, this was going to be easier than she thought. She cleared her throat rather loudly to interrupt the Sues' many squabbles. They all looked at her and shouted as one, "WHUT R WE GUNNA DUE!" Katrina raised her hand for silence, and said as after, "Well it's quite simple really. We arrange places where everyone will fight each other over their favorite character. For example…the ones who love Legolas go form a circle by the forest…just don't harm the trees, the Ents will be pissed if you do." The Sues regarded her as if she were insane, "Whu carez abuut thoze uglii thyngz!" one shouted. Katrina sighed and replied, "Just don't harm the trees. Legolas loves trees. He's an Elf…it's an Elf thing. He'll hate you if you harm the trees." The Sues looked at her in horror and solemnly swore not to harm a single leaf on the trees. As all the Legolas fans broke away towards the forest, Katrina found herself talking to a considerably smaller crowd. She assigned battle areas to each group of Sues until they were all gone. Katrina glanced up to the top of Saruman's tower and shouted up, "OY! GEEZER! SET OFF A SIGNAL SO THEY CAN BEGIN FIGHTING!"

Katrina heard a rather obscene reply and saw a small fireball shoot into the air. As it exploded, Katrina shouted, "FIGHT!" As the Sues began to steadily decline their numbers, Katrina trotted off humming "The Roof is On Fire" by The Blood hound Gang. She turned around when she saw Gimli wasn't following, but staring at his bow, obviously very depressed. "Come on Fairy Boy, I may need your help freeing everyone." Katrina chided. Gimli glared at her and muttered, "Oh go free them yourself. I'm staying here." Katrina scowled at him, turned back around and stormed off to find the Fellowship members. "Hmph, I'm forced to come here to free people I really don't care about. But do I complain? Noooooo….well ok maybe I do…but STILL! Those people are Fairy Boys friends! NOT MINE! Grrrr…I hate people." Katrina vented as she walked. So intent on complaining, she didn't notice the shadowy form following her. "And another thing! I WAS about to beat Luther! IT'S TAKEN ME FOREVER TO GET TO THE PONT WHERE I CAN BEAT THAT CRAPHEAD! AND WHAT DO I GET! A ONE WAY TICKET TO MIDDLE-EARTH, A PLACE THAT ISN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO EXIST! AND THEY EXPECT ME TO BE GLAD ABOUT IT! GAAAAAAAAAH I REALLY **REALLY **HATE PEOPLE!"

Katrina finally reached a technologically advanced prison. She peeked in through the bars and called in, "Helloooooo. Anyone there in the dark? I'm here to let you out." There was a screech of joy followed by a confused decleration. '_Well, I can safely say Pippin and Legolas are in this.'_ Katrina thought to herself. "If you're here to let us out, hurry up!" a new voice commanded. '_Ahhh…and there's dear Boromir…wonder if I should warn him about his impending death…nahhh.'. _Katrina thought to herself. She blinked as she regarded the lock. "Oooooooooh this is one of those locks that presents a series of questions to you and if you don't get it right, a laser beam will pop out and shoots you! Finally things start to get interesting!" she squealed with joy.

"We're glad you're so amused, now please get us out." A strained voice pleaded. "Fine fine fine. Hold your horses Aragorn…" Katrina said. Sheblinked as she heard a high-pitched shriek fill the air. "Ohhhhh…...poopy" Katrina muttered as she turned around and spotted several Ringwraiths approaching. "Nice rescue job there…" she heard Boromir remark behind her. "Shut up. Just shut up." Katrina snarled in return. As she turned back to face the Wraiths, she found she was face to eye with the miniature of Sauron's Eye. "Hah! I win! Didn't I tell you that you'd lose Aragorn! Huh? Didn't I? Now even your rescuer needs to be rescued!" the Eye gloated. Aragorn and Katrina growled in unison. "Let her go Sauron, she has nothing to do with this." Aragorn muttered. "Oh do shut up Aragorn. You'll only make matters worse for me." Katrina snapped at the confused Ranger, Legolas gasped in horror at the use of the phrase "shut up". Aragorn huffed indignantly and said, "I'm just trying to help you!" Katrina rolled her eyes and said, "I said, shut up." Legolas gasped once again at the use of such vulgar terms and shouted out at Katrina, "Stoooooooop! Don't say that anymore! It's a BAD PHRASE!"

Katrina turned to regard the Elf, understanding why Gimli was so depressed in having been turned into one of them. She sighed and ignored the Elf, returning her attention to Sauron who had been rambling on for the past few minutes on how it was futile to resist, how he was going to torture Katrina needlessly then kill her, and how he was going to take over Middle-Earth once he got the Ring back. Choosing to ignore Sauron as well, Katrina began to think furiously of how she would get out of this predicament. '_God. I wish I had a flamethrower. But noooooo it's too dangerous my mom said! Hmph I don't see how torching a few Ringwraiths is dangerous…it's more along the lines of 'lifesaving'_' Katrina thought dejectedly. She scanned the area for any means to create a fire to repel the Wraiths with. She blinked, stared at the Eye of Sauron and grinned evilly. '_This is gonna hurt, but hell, at least I won't die_.' Katrina thought as she seized the Eye. "OW OW OW OW OW!" she shrieked as she chucked the extremely surprised Sauron at the Wraiths.

The Wraiths all caught flame as their Master collided with them. They shrieked as they ran off, a running ball of fire. Sauron smacked down onto the ground, getting dust in his Eye as he fell. "AHHHHHH OWWWWWYYYYYY YOU CHEATED!" Sauron sobbed as he disappeared. Silence reigned for a while, excluding the constant stream of swear words that poured continuously out of Katrina's mouth as she rocked back and forth, staring at her burnt hands in horror. Legolas fainted from these continuous obscenities and fell on top of Merry. Boromir sighed in frustration and said, "LET US OUT ALL READY!" Aragorn swiftly punched Boromir in the jaw and yelled, "DIE! JUST DIE BOROMIR!" A cat fight between Boromir and Aragorn ensued shortly afterwards, Frodo muttering something about a master plan to rid himself of these loonies.

Katrina gritted her teeth as she turned to regard the Fellowship. "I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAPPY! I WON'T BE ABLE TO PLAY VIDEOGAMES FOR A MONTH BECAUSE OF YOU! ALL I CAN SAY IS GIMLI BETTER HURRY HIS FAIRY ASS OVER HERE BECAUSE I CERTAINLY CAN'T OPEN THIS DOOR NOW THAT MY HANDS ARE BURNT BEYOND RECOGNITION!" Everyone blinked following this declaration as they looked to each other with wondering looks. "…fairy?" Pippin finally asked. "You rang?" an extremely depressed voice asked. The Fellowship stared in a mixture of horror and amusement as Gimli trotted up, in all his Elven glory. "THERE YOU ARE! HURRY UP AND OPEN THE BLASTED DOOR! THE ANSWER IS SEVEN!" Katrina shouted motioning towards the lock. Gimli strode dejectedly over to the lock, punched in the number seven and the prison door opened.

"What about the Mary Sues?" Aragorn asked as he stepped out of the prison. Gimli sighed and said, "They all killed each other off. I came after Katrina because I got bored." Legolas trotted out, spotted Gimli and squealed in joy. "YAY! YOU'RE PRETTY NOW! YOU'VE FINALLY REALIZED THAT PRETTINESS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THIS WORLD!" the Elf ran over and hugged the former Dwarf rambling on about how he would lend Gimli his make-up and other random stuff to help him get started being a perfect Elf. Katrina swiftly smacked Legolas in the face, shrieking out in pain as she realized too late that slapping someone with burnt hands hurts the person doing the slapping more than the person being slapped. She jumped up and down biting her lip and humming to herself desperately. Legolas stared at her in confusion.

Several minutes later the Fellowship (and Katrina) had all walked several miles away from Isengard. Katrina kept glancing skywards, just waiting to be taken back home. She was rather irked when they stopped to make camp and she hadn't been taken home yet. She was about to let out a cry of frustration when the Eye of Sauron appeared in front of them. "Phooey. You won the bet. That's not fair!" Sauron sulked. Aragorn rolled his eyes and said, "A bets a bet. Where's the fifty thousand gold pieces we discussed?" The Eye grumbled to itself and presently a huge bag of gold appeared in front of him. "Fine. You win. I'm gonna beat you next time though!" he shouted as he disappeared. "Yeah yeah whatever…" Aragorn muttered as he reached to grab the bag. He was shocked to discover it was missing.

The Ranger glanced up, spotting Katrina cackling madly as she ran away with the bag slung over her shoulder. "HEY! COME BACK HERE!" he shouted as he began to give chase. Katrina turned to regard him a while, saluted him while wincing at the pain carrying the bag caused her, and disappeared in a flash of light. Aragorn swore as he kicked a nearby rock. That little sneak! She had just stolen all of that money! The Ranger sighed in a depressed manner as he walked back to camp, noticing that Gimli was no longer an Elf, and Legolas very depressed to have found that he was once again the only Elf on this journey.

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Wow that chapter was freakishly long. Hope you enjoyed this mini-story! I shall return to writing the normal one chapter long stories, with occasional multiple chapter stories thrown in…yay. You can tell me in reviews if you wish to see Katrina back for more of those multiple chapter stories. Bye peoples!


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